Sexual betrayal is one of the most damaging and devastating experiences a couple can endure. Very often there is too much pain and grief to overcome and the relationship ends. If a decision is made on the part of both partners to try to rebuild trust, and to co-create a new relationship, there are tools they can use to help the relationship heal. In the process of making amends, the onus is on the betraying party to attend to and withstand the painful onslaughts of anger, grief, hurt and pain that will inevitably come from the betrayed partner. If you are a partner who has been betrayed, you can visit this previous post on our blog for resources to support your healing. If you are the one who is making amends, keep reading. These three steps can make a world of difference in they way your partner experiences you in the relationship.

One of the most destructive things you can do in the aftermath of sexual betrayal is to get defensive, minimize your partners pain, rationalize or justify your behavior and try to fix what she’s sharing with you. One of the most supportive things you can chose to do in your relationship in the aftermath of a sexual betrayal is active listening. Active listening is a choice you make to fully engage, without distractions or reactions with whatever you partner needs to share with you.  Active listening is a difficult skill to develop and use when emotions are high. And it’s absolutely essential to recovering from sexual betrayal. There are three basic steps to active listening.

Step 1: Accept

Accept whatever your partner needs to share with you. What she shares will probably be hard to hear. Her words will likely hurt you. Her words may make you feel like she’s picking on you. You may feel like what she’s saying is based on history and not on where you are right now in your growth. Whether you feel like what she’s saying is accurate or truthful is irrelevant. You read that right. The truthfulness or accuracy of her words is irrelevant. She’s in one of the most painful situations a human being can experience. What matters is that she is making a vulnerable choice to share her reality with someone who has been the source of great pain, violation and betrayal. What matters is connection. So keep your mouth shut and your ears open.

If you feel the urge to fix her problems, defend yourself or build a case for how hard you’re working to rebuild trust, don’t do it! Instead, take a deep breath, focus on her words, her energy, her feelings. Observe your own internal dialogue, your self talk and your emotions but do shift the attention to your experience. Do not make the conversation about you. Take it all in. Every single word she shares with you. It all matters. Accepting and hearing it all demonstrates to her that you care and that her pain matters.

Step 2: Reflect

As you listen to, and accept, what your partner is sharing reflect back to her what you hear her say. Use phrases like: “What I hear you saying is…”, “What I think you want me to understand is…”, or “What I’m sensing you need right now is…”. You will need to pay attention to not only the words she is using but also the manner in which she’s using her words. This will require that you are paying full attention and focusing on her experience. It can be helpful to keep a journal nearby or to grab a pen and paper so that you can jot down notes about what you’re hearing. Allow your wife to validate the accuracy of what you’re reflecting. If you’ve misunderstood something or missed something, allow her to correct your perspective. Continue to reflect what you’re hearing until you are both certain that her message been fully heard.

Step 3: Invite

After you’ve reflected what you’ve heard, invite your partner to share more. You can use phrases like “What else would you like to share?”, “What else is on your mind?” or “Is there more?”. Be conscious of your tone of voice, body language and facial expression. Be sincere and open in our offer to hear more of what she has to share. When you invite her to share more begin the process again. Accept everything she shares. Reflect what you’re hearing. Invite more. Do this until her energy and emotion have subsided and she feels heard.

Remember, it’s always OK to take a break if this process isn’t working in the moment. Both parties could be allowed to call a timeout if they are unable to stay engaged without getting flooded and doing or saying something they’ll later regret. As you practice and develop your skills as active listener your partner will begin to experience you more and more as a collaborater. In active listening mode, you’re fostering connection and healing. In defensiveness and fixing mode, your wife will experience you as an adversary. Listening helps to move you from a threat to a teammate. How would you rather show up for her?

What Next?

If you’d like to explore this idea further, you can review the Helping Her Heal DVD series by Dr. Doug Weiss. You can also look at the very helpful resources offered by Jason and Shelly Martinkus. If you’d like more one-on-one help with the process of recovering from sexual betrayal in your relationship, feel free to reach out to one of our therapists. We’d be honored to support your growth and healing.

 

Have you ever had a sense there is a broken connection between you and the rest of the world? Have you felt like your insides don’t match what you see on the outsides of others? Have you ever felt like you’re just disconnected from life? Have you ever felt like you’re just going through the motions? Many of us go through life with an innate feeling deep inside that there is just something wrong with us. We feel damaged. We feel different. We feel broken.

 

For many people who have this kind of experience in adulthood, the roots of the issue can be traced to childhood in home environments that lacked healthy emotional connection. Broken Connection (emotional neglect) in infancy and childhood have been shown to have a profound impact on men and women in adulthood.

BROKEN CONNECTION STARTS EARLY

Dr. John Gottman published a study in 1994 documenting numerous ways that parenting style shows up in peer relationships. Our ability to be at ease with ourselves starts young. Our ability to be comfortable with intimacy starts young. Broken connection in infancy and childhood has a profound impact on things like self esteem, distress tolerance, emotion recognition and regulation, communication skills and self-control. Children who grow up in environments where emotional connection is lacking often face addictions and other mental health issues in adulthood.

One of the most profound illustrations of the impact of broken connection is illustrated by the “Still Face Experiment conducted by Dr. Edward Tronick. The video below shows the excruciating effects of broken connection in a 90-second experience between mother and child. In most instances this dynamic persists for years rather than seconds.

RECOVERING FROM BROKEN CONNECTION

There is hope for recovering from emotional neglect in childhood. Dr. Jonice Webb has offered the following four aspects of recovery. These are not easy to develop. Individual and group therapy is often required in order to help with these:

1. Focus on Feelings – The process of healing and recovery starts with emotions. Learn to identify your own positive and negative feelings. Learn when they show up for you and where you experience them in your body. Connection yourself and other people begins with emotions. 
2. Focus on Your Own Needs – Most adults who grew up with emotional neglect are not skilled in identifying what we need. And, most of the time, when we can identify a needs, we don’t feel worthy of having our needs met. Recovery from broken connection requires us to realize our needs and assert our needs relationally with safe, trusted others.
3. Focus on Your Core Beliefs – If you grew up believing something was wrong with you, or if you grew up believing that your needs don’t matter, you’ve got some work to do in order to unravel all of that nonsense. Your needs matter. You matter. No matter what anyone else taught you or made you feel about yourself, you must get a firm grip on what is true of you.
4. Focus on Self-Care – Adults who have experienced the profound alienation of broken connection in childhood often don’t feel comfortable taking care of themselves. You can begin by focusing on how you might handle a young child in your life who you care deeply for. Be gentle. Be loving. Treat yourself with tenderness and compassion. This type of self-care can take the form of exercise, nutrition, meditation, prayer, hobbies, reading and therapy (among others).

M. Scott Peck said that “mental health is acceptance of reality at any cost”. It may be painful to let go of old beliefs and to face and feel your emotions. But if we are going to recover, if we are going to experience a fuller, healthier way of living with ourselves and others, it’s a journey we cannot avoid.

What Next?

Finding a good counselor who specializes in this area is essential. Remember that real change takes time. There aren’t any shortcuts. If you are at the point where you are ready to begin working on the repairing the broken connection in your life, please feel free to contact us. We’d love to help!

Image source:

Using Plutchik’s Wheel of Emotions to improve the evaluation of sources

Sources Cited:

https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/161448242X/ref=as_li_qf_sp_asin_il_tl?ie=UTF8&tag=httpwwwgood07-20&camp=1789&creative=9325&linkCode=as2&creativeASIN=161448242X&linkId=ea8029150f696139efbda275217d0850

https://www.johngottman.net/wp-content/uploads/2011/05/Linkages-between-parent-child-interaction-and-conversations-of-friends.pdf

https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/how-to-recognize-overcome-childhood-emotional-neglect-0218165

The porn problem is impacting lives literally all over the world. The state of Utah recently identified pornography as a public health crisis. Whether you or someone you know has been impacted by the problem of pornography, we believe that there are three things you need to hear and three things you need to do in order to begin to address the problem in a healthy way.

 

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It’s the New Year season again! Every January brings the opportunity take stock of the year that has passed and look ahead to the new year. As we reflect, we can remember all that God has done for us. We can think back on all the reasons we have to be grateful. On the other hand, we can identify the areas that may not have been as successful or healthy as we’d hoped. As we look ahead to the new year, we can be introspective and look at the parts of our lives that we’d like to cease, continue, change or improve.

As you look ahead to the New Year, I would like to extend an invitation for you to join me in making a decision to live with less fear. You and I can start by saying “yes” to the things that scare us.

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